Dog Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
Dear Fellow Dog Enthusiast:
Does it seem like every time you try and post a question or comment to a dog list, you get yourself into trouble? If so, then this list is for you. If you religiously follow all of the rules on this Official DON'T list, you'll never get in trouble again!
The Official Dog Enthusiast's DON'T List:
DON'T let your dog sleep in your bed. It will cause aggression problems down the road.
DON'T make your dog sleep in a crate. Crate is just another word for small cage.
DON'T let your dog sleep outside at night. If God had wanted dogs to sleep outside, he would have covered their body with hair to keep them warm.
DON'T let your dog sleep. You should be playing with him all the time.
DON'T keep more than two dogs. Each individual dog requires considerable time and energy, and it is impossible for a responsible dog owner to spend quality time with more than two dogs.
DON'T keep less than five dogs. Dogs are pack animals, and five dogs is the minimum number for proper socialization.
DON'T feed your dog kibble. Kibble is the invention of evil capitalists who want your money, and kibble has no nutritional value whatsoever. You might as well feed your dog sawdust.
DON'T cook your dog's meat or chicken. Cooking destroys all the nutrients.
DON'T feed your dog raw meat or raw chicken. Raw food contains salmonella, e-coli, and other harmful bacteria.
DON'T let your dog drink out of a plastic bowl. It will turn his nose pink.
DON'T post messages to a dog list. You will surely get bopped on the head for thinking that someone else cares about your silly little opinions.
DON'T poke your eye with a sharp stick. It has nothing to do with dogs, but it's a good rule nonetheless.
DON'T microchip your dog. A nearby cell phone can cause a microchipped dog to explode, or so says the lady running the tattoo booth.
DON'T tattoo your dog on the ear. A dog thief will cut off the tattooed ear.
DON'T tattoo your dog on the thigh. He'll be a tripod before you can say Ginsu.
DON'T keep a collar on your dog when unattended. He could get caught on something and choke.
DON'T leave your dog unattended without a collar. He could run away without any identification.
DON'T transport your dog in a plastic crate. Plastic crates don't allow sufficient air flow.
DON'T transport your dog in a wire crate. In a car accident, a wire crate transforms into a doggie skewer. On days you plan to have a car accident, it's acceptable to use a plastic crate.
DON'T let your dog drive. It's against the law in many states.
DON'T enter your dog in conformation. It's b-o-r-i-n-g for the dog.
DON'T enter your dog in obedience. It's B-o-r-i-n-g with a capital "B."
DON'T enter your dog in agility. The jumps will injure his joints.
DON'T send your dog out with a handler. Only a psychopath would send their beloved pet with a complete stranger.
DON'T handle your dog yourself. You've got a great dog, and he deserves a much better handler than you will ever be.
DON'T get a purebred dog. Too much inbreeding has produced dogs with temperament and health problems.
DON'T get a mutt. You don't know anything about their pedigree. In fact, if you're thinking about getting a dog, get a cat instead.
DON'T don't. That's right, you heard me, just don't!
DON'T leave your dog's dewclaws intact. He will rip one off jumping a log or something, which is quite painful.
DON'T remove your dog's dewclaws. Dewclaws are acupuncture points that are needed for proper functioning of the kidneys.
AND, the #1 DON'T ....
DON'T trim your dog's whiskers. Dogs use their whiskers to determine the size of their head, which is important when they are out shopping for a new hat.
The Fire Truck
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Four Men Bragging About How Smart Their Dogs Are:
To show off, the engineer called to his dog: "T-Square", do your stuff. T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said: "Slide Rule", do your stuff! Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
The Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said: "Measure", do your stuff. Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.The three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The Government worker called to his dog and said: "Coffee Break", do your stuff. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the circle of paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for workmen's compensation, and went home on sick leave.
Help Wanted
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
The Creation Story As Told By The Dog:
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy, and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
How To Be A Good Dog:
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and earing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.
Doggy Dictionary:
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog s rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require...especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
Mind Games Dogs Play With Humans
After your humans give you a bath, Don't Let them Towel Dry you! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.
Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Afghan: Light bulb? What light bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And he'll rewire the house while he's at it.
Italian Greyhound: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Poodle: Sorry, just had my nails done.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Malamute: Let him do it, you can pet me while he's busy.
Springer: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Shiba-Inu: Zero! Shibas aren't afraid of the dark!
Collie: No, don't change it. If it's dark, maybe no one will see me sleeping on the couch.
Cocker: Why change it. It isn't hurting anyone and I am just as loving in the dark.
Chinese Crested: I can put it in, I can jump and spin !!!!
Does Your Dog Own You?
See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog:
You believe every dog is a lap dog.
If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.
You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.
You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.
You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).
You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.
You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.
You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood.
You know their names.
You let the neighbor dog sleep over.
You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.
Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.
When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.
You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.
You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.
Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over
